Staying True to yourself

In today's world we all have to fight to keep our own idenities. At times we are judged because we may speak the wrong way or not dress to someone else's standards, yet we have to keep pressing on to show the world that we are alot better than just what and who they think we are.

I am a gay christian. A man who fears God and lives on his faith, I dare not take where I am in my life for granted because I know that I did not get here alone not by any means. I struggle to save some part of myself everyday, being confined to this world and not being capable of allowing myself not to feel things because I am human. I do feel as if there is a reason for the pain sometimes. I was told once that I wasn't black enough! or that I didn't come across like other Gay men did, as being fashionable and into the gay scene and often sometimes called racist because I chose to stay with what was comfortable to me and what I could identify with in my life. There is a story here a journey that I am on.

You can choose to ignore what I have to say or turn away from it. that is your choice. My soul purpose is to help other Young Gay Men of color to know that there is a world out there where they can exsist and be loved, as long as they love themselves with every ounce of who they are. Believing in what people say you are; that is the negative comments and the things that have brought you to the point that you were in tears.

I was 15 years old when I discovered that I like men, well that is truly admitted to myself that I was different in many ways. I did not identify with the world outside of my closet; the colors were not as bright in the outside world as they were inside this room, this world that I lived in. Things remained that way for quite sometime in mylife.

Now I can speak freely about these things. I was 16 when I tried to kill myself. I took 5 valum and it was on the night of the 1991 grammy awards, and I was laying on my aunts couch half dazed and out of it. with no one knowing what I had done. I remember someone shaking me and saying there is your girl she is on tv. I looked up and there was Mariah Carey, the truth is I didn't know what was going on around me. I focused in on her that night. She began to sing and the words of spoke to me. I had a Vision Of Love. The tone of her voice was amazing, still out of it and in emotional pain. I stayed focused on her singing, I felt as if her voice was saying something to me it was as if God were speaking through her, since then she was my guardian angel. That is the truth no one knew that story except a close friend. I still was ashamed up until now to tell the truth about my connection to Mariah.. being that it was more or so the voice that was connecting me to what I felt inside.

I later told someone about what I had done. A few months later I was hospitalized for 3 months...
the reason why I am being candid now is because I want someone else to benefit from my life and struggles and to know that you are never alone no matter how much you may feel alone.

There are reasons people come into your life, although they may not stay, and you may not understand fully why it is that they are there. Just know that there are moments in our lives where we are meant to challenge ourselves and grow from it. The past was yesterday, today is an amazing gift and tomorrow if we are here by God's grace then we know that we are meant to work in and on our lives, but not for us but for the sake of saving someone else.

You may never know but a smile at someone may save their life, a simple hello will one day stop someone from doing something that may hurt others.

I am about Love and that is what you will always find in my writings. Love is the only thing that will keep us alive and help us grow and go further in our lives.

Please take care of Yourselves and Each other.

Kenneth Phillips

Complications Of Love

I sat enjoying the company of a wonderful man this evening, as I listened to the stories that he told me about how he felt about love and his views on the feeling of love. I asked him if he thought if love was an emotion or a feeling? his response was simply this, they are two very different words but have the same meaning. I came to ask myself is there a difference? is a feeling the same as an emotion. Asking if we as people Complicate Love? His response was yes we do.
At times we tend to look at Love as being a challenge that is not infact something that we do not understand! How can we understand something that we fear. Love is an action, it is something we feel and we act up on. Love come in many different forms to us. The way we love our family, friends and our partners. Relationships turn from being in the moment to being nonexsistant due to people giving up on the will to fight for something that is apart of us. and yes sometimes Love and relationships don't work out. How can you say to yourself that you gave your best when there was no understanding of one's self of this emotion, this feeling, this action.
Love is all around us, in our music, in people we see everyday and the love we see and feel when we see ourselves. Yet there is still a lack of it in the world, in our universe various statements come to mind. God ask How can you Love me whom you cannot see, but not love your brother whom you see everyday. Whitney Houston sang The Greatest Love Of All, is the love that we have for ourselves. These things that complicate our actions on love are of our own doing. If we can find that One part of ourselves and accept who we are inside and out. The relationships we have with other would be that much greater.
Love is something that I am very passionate about and I search to find on a daily basis, by giving myself a little of it everyday. I to will find that special someone that will complete the wholeness of who I am. although it needs to start inside of me.
For those of you wanting and looking for it. I challenge you to make a list of what your perfect mate would look like. taking all of the atributes from actors, co workers , personality traits from your favorite song that describes how you think love will look like. take your time in doing this. once you are done. Post it in my message board please so that only I can read them. I will post mine on this page so that you can get an idea. of what I am talking about. Be honest. this excersise will help you get an idea of who you are, and also say where you are in your life based on the type of person that you would like to be with.
Thank You, and Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love,Kenneth