How Lonely could the world be if there was no one there to love me, I searched to find a calmer peace of mind. But Loneliness and Heartache seem to grasp the better part of me each time. I reach out for love to only get something that is nothing and treated as if my world has no time. Disregard me from what you feel is right look past me as if I am not standing there. for I am a ghost dying to be seen. " I scream Look at me, I am here, I am here, Listen to me for the words that I say are of my own. My life, My pain my sorrows for which they have brought me pain.
I can tell you of a man that I once knew, someone who was filled with the promises that a realness of you.
Torture my only device for exsistence, loneliness is a familiar world that I have always known. Search to find..a distance that is mine. a truth a better part of me
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Sunday, September 2, 2012
That Window Of Opportunity
I made a change in my life a few weeks ago, I packed up what I could bring by Greyhound and what little that could be shipped by Fed-Ex and left the rest behind to one day be placed in the mail and delivered to me by friends and family.
I relocated to Portland Oregon. I know right? I didn't do my research well enough because if I would have I think that maybe I would have fought with the powers that be just a little bit longer until there was an acutal comfort zone that I thought that I had wanted to be in. Now I am Here, I am loving the city and all that it has to offer in the ways of culture and a much different way of living.
feeling a bit alienated from the world and so far away from what I am used to. I have spent most of my time in doors and not really adventured off into the city except for that one time I explored Downtown for a few hours. Completely judging the place from The rejection yet again from the Gay Community due to the difference in preference. I judged the city on just that experience alone.
I have been stood up quite a few times on coffee dates from guys who have asked me out for just coffee, because that was the only place that they would get with me. But I messed up and made a mistake once again by judging my first hand experience on what I was exposed to early on.
Stepping out of your comfort zone and allowing yourself to explore life for what it really has to offer. I have been realizing lately that this is a prime opportunity for me to have my rebirthing experience that I have been wanting and looking for in life. Still a bit afraid of what is out there, I am needing to experience this on my own. I know that although I will have to leave some people behind and maybe looking at what tools I have such as my social networking, which at the moment may not be working very well so much for me. due to the fact that most people have have deleted from my page and blocked.
I was told by a friend that I don't give people a chance and that I tend to cut people off a little to fast.
I have really been thinking about that comment lately and I have come to the conclusion that I am not going to take the responsibility for that one, because we all have the choice to want to pursue relationships and to make them want to grow. When there is an intial exchanging of Phone numbers and someone calls or text you just to say hello and there is no response at all of a week later you will get a who is this, in my opinion that is something that needs to be looked at by the person that it is happening to.
I wish that I had some magical potions to make me not feel this way, also maybe allow me to move on to where I need to be. That is completely up to me. to do that and make a change in that department. I am noticing that the people that are commenting and judging you are the ones that have made you feel this way in the first place.
I wish everyone well, and know that my words are not meant to hurt anyone on any level. But What I am experiencing is very real at this moment and the truth is the only thing that I have to look at right now.
Take Care of Yourselves and everyone else
Kenneth
I relocated to Portland Oregon. I know right? I didn't do my research well enough because if I would have I think that maybe I would have fought with the powers that be just a little bit longer until there was an acutal comfort zone that I thought that I had wanted to be in. Now I am Here, I am loving the city and all that it has to offer in the ways of culture and a much different way of living.
feeling a bit alienated from the world and so far away from what I am used to. I have spent most of my time in doors and not really adventured off into the city except for that one time I explored Downtown for a few hours. Completely judging the place from The rejection yet again from the Gay Community due to the difference in preference. I judged the city on just that experience alone.
I have been stood up quite a few times on coffee dates from guys who have asked me out for just coffee, because that was the only place that they would get with me. But I messed up and made a mistake once again by judging my first hand experience on what I was exposed to early on.
Stepping out of your comfort zone and allowing yourself to explore life for what it really has to offer. I have been realizing lately that this is a prime opportunity for me to have my rebirthing experience that I have been wanting and looking for in life. Still a bit afraid of what is out there, I am needing to experience this on my own. I know that although I will have to leave some people behind and maybe looking at what tools I have such as my social networking, which at the moment may not be working very well so much for me. due to the fact that most people have have deleted from my page and blocked.
I was told by a friend that I don't give people a chance and that I tend to cut people off a little to fast.
I have really been thinking about that comment lately and I have come to the conclusion that I am not going to take the responsibility for that one, because we all have the choice to want to pursue relationships and to make them want to grow. When there is an intial exchanging of Phone numbers and someone calls or text you just to say hello and there is no response at all of a week later you will get a who is this, in my opinion that is something that needs to be looked at by the person that it is happening to.
I wish that I had some magical potions to make me not feel this way, also maybe allow me to move on to where I need to be. That is completely up to me. to do that and make a change in that department. I am noticing that the people that are commenting and judging you are the ones that have made you feel this way in the first place.
I wish everyone well, and know that my words are not meant to hurt anyone on any level. But What I am experiencing is very real at this moment and the truth is the only thing that I have to look at right now.
Take Care of Yourselves and everyone else
Kenneth
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Staying True to yourself
In today's world we all have to fight to keep our own idenities. At times we are judged because we may speak the wrong way or not dress to someone else's standards, yet we have to keep pressing on to show the world that we are alot better than just what and who they think we are.
I am a gay christian. A man who fears God and lives on his faith, I dare not take where I am in my life for granted because I know that I did not get here alone not by any means. I struggle to save some part of myself everyday, being confined to this world and not being capable of allowing myself not to feel things because I am human. I do feel as if there is a reason for the pain sometimes. I was told once that I wasn't black enough! or that I didn't come across like other Gay men did, as being fashionable and into the gay scene and often sometimes called racist because I chose to stay with what was comfortable to me and what I could identify with in my life. There is a story here a journey that I am on.
You can choose to ignore what I have to say or turn away from it. that is your choice. My soul purpose is to help other Young Gay Men of color to know that there is a world out there where they can exsist and be loved, as long as they love themselves with every ounce of who they are. Believing in what people say you are; that is the negative comments and the things that have brought you to the point that you were in tears.
I was 15 years old when I discovered that I like men, well that is truly admitted to myself that I was different in many ways. I did not identify with the world outside of my closet; the colors were not as bright in the outside world as they were inside this room, this world that I lived in. Things remained that way for quite sometime in mylife.
Now I can speak freely about these things. I was 16 when I tried to kill myself. I took 5 valum and it was on the night of the 1991 grammy awards, and I was laying on my aunts couch half dazed and out of it. with no one knowing what I had done. I remember someone shaking me and saying there is your girl she is on tv. I looked up and there was Mariah Carey, the truth is I didn't know what was going on around me. I focused in on her that night. She began to sing and the words of spoke to me. I had a Vision Of Love. The tone of her voice was amazing, still out of it and in emotional pain. I stayed focused on her singing, I felt as if her voice was saying something to me it was as if God were speaking through her, since then she was my guardian angel. That is the truth no one knew that story except a close friend. I still was ashamed up until now to tell the truth about my connection to Mariah.. being that it was more or so the voice that was connecting me to what I felt inside.
I later told someone about what I had done. A few months later I was hospitalized for 3 months...
the reason why I am being candid now is because I want someone else to benefit from my life and struggles and to know that you are never alone no matter how much you may feel alone.
There are reasons people come into your life, although they may not stay, and you may not understand fully why it is that they are there. Just know that there are moments in our lives where we are meant to challenge ourselves and grow from it. The past was yesterday, today is an amazing gift and tomorrow if we are here by God's grace then we know that we are meant to work in and on our lives, but not for us but for the sake of saving someone else.
You may never know but a smile at someone may save their life, a simple hello will one day stop someone from doing something that may hurt others.
I am about Love and that is what you will always find in my writings. Love is the only thing that will keep us alive and help us grow and go further in our lives.
Please take care of Yourselves and Each other.
Kenneth Phillips
I am a gay christian. A man who fears God and lives on his faith, I dare not take where I am in my life for granted because I know that I did not get here alone not by any means. I struggle to save some part of myself everyday, being confined to this world and not being capable of allowing myself not to feel things because I am human. I do feel as if there is a reason for the pain sometimes. I was told once that I wasn't black enough! or that I didn't come across like other Gay men did, as being fashionable and into the gay scene and often sometimes called racist because I chose to stay with what was comfortable to me and what I could identify with in my life. There is a story here a journey that I am on.
You can choose to ignore what I have to say or turn away from it. that is your choice. My soul purpose is to help other Young Gay Men of color to know that there is a world out there where they can exsist and be loved, as long as they love themselves with every ounce of who they are. Believing in what people say you are; that is the negative comments and the things that have brought you to the point that you were in tears.
I was 15 years old when I discovered that I like men, well that is truly admitted to myself that I was different in many ways. I did not identify with the world outside of my closet; the colors were not as bright in the outside world as they were inside this room, this world that I lived in. Things remained that way for quite sometime in mylife.
Now I can speak freely about these things. I was 16 when I tried to kill myself. I took 5 valum and it was on the night of the 1991 grammy awards, and I was laying on my aunts couch half dazed and out of it. with no one knowing what I had done. I remember someone shaking me and saying there is your girl she is on tv. I looked up and there was Mariah Carey, the truth is I didn't know what was going on around me. I focused in on her that night. She began to sing and the words of spoke to me. I had a Vision Of Love. The tone of her voice was amazing, still out of it and in emotional pain. I stayed focused on her singing, I felt as if her voice was saying something to me it was as if God were speaking through her, since then she was my guardian angel. That is the truth no one knew that story except a close friend. I still was ashamed up until now to tell the truth about my connection to Mariah.. being that it was more or so the voice that was connecting me to what I felt inside.
I later told someone about what I had done. A few months later I was hospitalized for 3 months...
the reason why I am being candid now is because I want someone else to benefit from my life and struggles and to know that you are never alone no matter how much you may feel alone.
There are reasons people come into your life, although they may not stay, and you may not understand fully why it is that they are there. Just know that there are moments in our lives where we are meant to challenge ourselves and grow from it. The past was yesterday, today is an amazing gift and tomorrow if we are here by God's grace then we know that we are meant to work in and on our lives, but not for us but for the sake of saving someone else.
You may never know but a smile at someone may save their life, a simple hello will one day stop someone from doing something that may hurt others.
I am about Love and that is what you will always find in my writings. Love is the only thing that will keep us alive and help us grow and go further in our lives.
Please take care of Yourselves and Each other.
Kenneth Phillips
Friday, August 24, 2012
Complications Of Love
I sat enjoying the company of a wonderful man this evening, as I listened to the stories that he told me about how he felt about love and his views on the feeling of love. I asked him if he thought if love was an emotion or a feeling? his response was simply this, they are two very different words but have the same meaning. I came to ask myself is there a difference? is a feeling the same as an emotion. Asking if we as people Complicate Love? His response was yes we do.
At times we tend to look at Love as being a challenge that is not infact something that we do not understand! How can we understand something that we fear. Love is an action, it is something we feel and we act up on. Love come in many different forms to us. The way we love our family, friends and our partners. Relationships turn from being in the moment to being nonexsistant due to people giving up on the will to fight for something that is apart of us. and yes sometimes Love and relationships don't work out. How can you say to yourself that you gave your best when there was no understanding of one's self of this emotion, this feeling, this action.
Love is all around us, in our music, in people we see everyday and the love we see and feel when we see ourselves. Yet there is still a lack of it in the world, in our universe various statements come to mind. God ask How can you Love me whom you cannot see, but not love your brother whom you see everyday. Whitney Houston sang The Greatest Love Of All, is the love that we have for ourselves. These things that complicate our actions on love are of our own doing. If we can find that One part of ourselves and accept who we are inside and out. The relationships we have with other would be that much greater.
Love is something that I am very passionate about and I search to find on a daily basis, by giving myself a little of it everyday. I to will find that special someone that will complete the wholeness of who I am. although it needs to start inside of me.
For those of you wanting and looking for it. I challenge you to make a list of what your perfect mate would look like. taking all of the atributes from actors, co workers , personality traits from your favorite song that describes how you think love will look like. take your time in doing this. once you are done. Post it in my message board please so that only I can read them. I will post mine on this page so that you can get an idea. of what I am talking about. Be honest. this excersise will help you get an idea of who you are, and also say where you are in your life based on the type of person that you would like to be with.
Thank You, and Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love,Kenneth
At times we tend to look at Love as being a challenge that is not infact something that we do not understand! How can we understand something that we fear. Love is an action, it is something we feel and we act up on. Love come in many different forms to us. The way we love our family, friends and our partners. Relationships turn from being in the moment to being nonexsistant due to people giving up on the will to fight for something that is apart of us. and yes sometimes Love and relationships don't work out. How can you say to yourself that you gave your best when there was no understanding of one's self of this emotion, this feeling, this action.
Love is all around us, in our music, in people we see everyday and the love we see and feel when we see ourselves. Yet there is still a lack of it in the world, in our universe various statements come to mind. God ask How can you Love me whom you cannot see, but not love your brother whom you see everyday. Whitney Houston sang The Greatest Love Of All, is the love that we have for ourselves. These things that complicate our actions on love are of our own doing. If we can find that One part of ourselves and accept who we are inside and out. The relationships we have with other would be that much greater.
Love is something that I am very passionate about and I search to find on a daily basis, by giving myself a little of it everyday. I to will find that special someone that will complete the wholeness of who I am. although it needs to start inside of me.
For those of you wanting and looking for it. I challenge you to make a list of what your perfect mate would look like. taking all of the atributes from actors, co workers , personality traits from your favorite song that describes how you think love will look like. take your time in doing this. once you are done. Post it in my message board please so that only I can read them. I will post mine on this page so that you can get an idea. of what I am talking about. Be honest. this excersise will help you get an idea of who you are, and also say where you are in your life based on the type of person that you would like to be with.
Thank You, and Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love,Kenneth
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Reiventing Your Life
I was having a conversation with someone the other day and we were talking about life and how we sometimes need that change to become who we were meant to be in life. This got me to thinking about people and how we allow life to get away from us.
So I began to ask these same questions to myself, where am I in my life. am I living and the answer was the same No! I was not living my life.
I went over the list in my head a million times and still came back with the same answer to everything on my list.
Where does and should my happiness begin? Should I keep saying that I am unhappy and allow myself to go on this way or should I change it?
I decided to change it..
What I am trying to say is don't allow yourself to get so caught up in the things around you that, there is really no time for you and development in your life..
Take Care,
Kenneth
So I began to ask these same questions to myself, where am I in my life. am I living and the answer was the same No! I was not living my life.
I went over the list in my head a million times and still came back with the same answer to everything on my list.
Where does and should my happiness begin? Should I keep saying that I am unhappy and allow myself to go on this way or should I change it?
I decided to change it..
What I am trying to say is don't allow yourself to get so caught up in the things around you that, there is really no time for you and development in your life..
Take Care,
Kenneth
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Life and What it has to Offer
Life is about Balance, We all have our wants and desires in this life. Never allow yourself to get blindsided by what you want and what you actually need. It's that hunger and the thurst for life that drives us into our passions. Keep looking because you may never know what is waiting for you at the middle or the end of your journey. Never let the misunderstandings of yesterday guide you into what you are destined for today.
A life unnoticed is a life worth searching for. Love and be Loved. allow your heart to feel that rhythm inside of you. As your feet move Dance, feel the rays of the sun bathe you in her rays of warmness that flows through her love. Hold yourself, feel the touch of your own skin as it becomes one inside of you, take a breath, slowly as the earth welcomes you to life,
Explore who you are. Your well being your life, Your are not about living for the moments but creating them from fear, disillusions, anger, these are all things that welcome you into life, welcome them and turn them around with love for you. Allow that love to live outside of you.
Move into your life not away from it, fight no more, Give into what the universe has for you.
share in the energy share in the warmth share in the love.
I hope that you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed creating it for you.
Take Care,
Kenneth
A life unnoticed is a life worth searching for. Love and be Loved. allow your heart to feel that rhythm inside of you. As your feet move Dance, feel the rays of the sun bathe you in her rays of warmness that flows through her love. Hold yourself, feel the touch of your own skin as it becomes one inside of you, take a breath, slowly as the earth welcomes you to life,
Explore who you are. Your well being your life, Your are not about living for the moments but creating them from fear, disillusions, anger, these are all things that welcome you into life, welcome them and turn them around with love for you. Allow that love to live outside of you.
Move into your life not away from it, fight no more, Give into what the universe has for you.
share in the energy share in the warmth share in the love.
I hope that you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed creating it for you.
Take Care,
Kenneth
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
We Fight To Win
When a war starts, sometimes we are not prepared for the battle that is in front of us.
So we take a deep breathe and close our eyes then we go in. Our shields are up protecting what is most important to us, our lives.
Let's fight to stay alive, Let's fight to Love..
Who we are and what we stand for shapes our paths in life. Never allow anyone to stand in your way of your life because you only get one. Live In Love and It shall be recieved.
Take Care,
Kenney
So we take a deep breathe and close our eyes then we go in. Our shields are up protecting what is most important to us, our lives.
Let's fight to stay alive, Let's fight to Love..
Who we are and what we stand for shapes our paths in life. Never allow anyone to stand in your way of your life because you only get one. Live In Love and It shall be recieved.
Take Care,
Kenney
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